Loss is something that everyone would like to never talk about. Its painful and never goes away. Grief may change over time, but it never goes away. My Rescue was built on the ashes of grief. I am Crystal Neal-Little, President/Founder, of Paws for Parker Refuge and Rescue. The first loss happened when I was very young around the first part of July. July 8th. I lost my beloved Sierria Noelle. This precious daughter was conceived via a very tragic event, but I wanted to keep her as it was not her fault that she was conceived in such a tragic way. I know that not a lot of people share that viewpoint. However, I miscarried her and she gained her wings.
3 years later, I lost my grandmother (Pal) in June 1999, and 6 months later my dad December 1999. In 2001 my grandfather (Buddy) passed away and 6 months after he passed my Aunt Jenny passed away. So, many loved ones in such a short amount of time takes a toll on you. It takes you into darker pathways than you'd like to admit to yourself or to anyone. So, you find solace where you can. My solace was my cats and my dog. They all lived long healthy lives and they helped me during some of the darkest moments of my life. I distanced myself away from the world to grieve. A lot of people didn't understand why I did that. Mostly it was out of respect for the lost loved ones, but it was also a little bit for selfish reasons. I didn't want to be asked how or why too much. So, I hid myself away from everyone. Work was the only exception. When I felt strong enough again I returned to friends who had missed me and family. The world around me changed and kept moving while I grieved and I struggled to bring myself to the present instead of living in the past with all the precious memories that now stung to think about. However, once back in my support group of friends they helped bring me back to myself.
Flash Forward to March 17th, 2018. 11 weeks and 6 days was when my husband and I found out that we, after 11 years of trying, conceived a healthy son. The pregnancy went well until 18 weeks and 5 days, just 7 weeks later, my water broke. No warning and no explanation. The doctors still have no idea why my water broke on a healthy pregnancy. I was rushed into the hospital and I laid flat for over a week until Parker came with no warning no contraction, and because he didn't have any lungs he passed away instantly. Neonatal tried everything they could to save him but he gained his angel wings 3/23rd/2018. This death literally broke me. I wanted my child in my arms to love, cherish, and hear little giggles. Yet, he was on the other side. I knew that he was with family and they all would welcome him and ensure that my little angel knew love. He would also get to meet his big sister and I imagine they had a lot of fun together up there. I miss them both constantly and daily. Once the funeral had taken place I fell into a deep depression. No one, and I mean no one, should ever have to experience the death of a child. Its devastating. My husband was getting worried about me and my state of depression I had fallen into. He suggested that I find something that would help bring me out of the state I was in.
I am a Godly and spiritual woman and during this time I lost trust in God, not Faith, but Trust. People tend to place those 2 words together but there is a difference. Like any relationship when trust is lost it takes a great deal of time to get it back if at all. I hung my head one night in shower just letting the water wash my tears I had cried for the hundredth time that day over me. I asked God why he chose to take my child from me after giving me this beautiful gift. I had not looked at a computer or even cared too for months following Parker's death. Yet, I slowly walked to my computer and turned on the computer screen and logged into FB.
The very first post I see was about a shelter in Riverside CA. I had no idea about anything in CA as I didn't at that time have any friends residing in CA. The post was about a German Shepherd named Jenny which was my Aunt's, who passed away,
favorite breed of Dog. I saw this as a sign. So, I discovered that rescues exist and eventually made my way across the states to a rescue that ended up saving 4 different dogs, I had sent them, early the next day. It gave me a feeling that I had not had for months. I had helped save 4 souls that otherwise would not have been seen and lost. A spark lit in my dark world. The shelter volunteers contacted me asking me to network some dogs on a red list. I did that entire month I was able to help the rescue animals get out all but 2. Then, a contact asked me why I didn't have a rescue myself as I was very good at helping these animals. That is when the flame burned into a raging inferno.
I gathered my information about starting the rescue and knew that I wanted to honor my children who had moved on. Refuge I thought of like Heaven where they both now reside and Parker would have had a pup he would have grown up with so that is how I came up with the name. Hershey always placed her head or paw on my tummy when Parker was active. I often think it was their way of being together.
This taught me that it is good to allow grief time but to not be consumed by it. Healing needs to happen as well to honor and respect the lives that have moved on but learn to continue to live your life as well.